Posted on October 28, 2008
(Washington DC) The world mourned today as Senator John McCain won a stunning come from behind victory over Senator Barack Obama, 52-48 and won over 300 electoral votes.
Upon hearing the news, MSNBC Host Keith Olberman collapsed on the air and was rushed to the hospital. (News reports from the hospital confirm that doctors examining Olberman could find no evidence of either a heart or a brain, just a bunch of blue wires, story below).
Hillary Clinton immediately put out a statement that congratulated McCain, and announced that she was running for President in 2012. “Congratulations to my good friend John. I can’t believe he won, but I am happy for him. And, to all my friends out there, you bet your sweet ass I am running in 2012."
Joe the Plumber announced that he too was running for President in 2012. “Thank God we stopped the socialist from winning. Now, we have to make sure that the female socialist doesn’t win in the next election. And that is why I am announcing my candidacy for President.”
Vice President-elect Sarah Palin was reportedly weighing her options on how quickly she could announce she was throwing her hat in the ring.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson, who risked losing his leadership role as the man when it comes to civil rights, put out a statement thanking Barack Obama for his service to the country: “Thanks Barack, for keeping the dream alive for a while. Now, stand aside and let a real man take the wheel. Get your skinny ass out of the way!”
French President Sarkozy openly wept when hearing that Obama lost and McCain won. When asked why he was crying when he himself called Obama’s policies immature and dangerous, Sarkozy winked and said, “Zat is what my people expect.”
Members of the news media who had openly backed the Obama campaign throughout the campaign took the news especially hard. Several were seen weeping uncontrollably on the air, and it was reported that hospitals were overflowing with reporters checking themselves in after suffering from panic attacks.
Joe Biden was rumored to be in good spirits. One source said that Biden was overheard saying, “well, that is one international crisis we don’t have to worry about.”
McCain surprise victory was no surprise to one veteran political observer: “Look, three things happened. First, the polls were consistently wrong because they consistently over-sampled Democrats. Second, undecided voters broke for McCain just like I expected they would. And third, most Americans don’t want a socialist to be their President. Case closed.”