Don’t Swap Anna
Posted on July 9, 2010
I, for one, think it is a huge mistake to swap Anna Chapman, the very attractive Russian spy, for whatever American spies the Russians might have in their possession.
As President Obama likes to say, this is a teachable moment. We can teach the Russians how we in America torture attractive women who are a threat to our society. We in America don’t use thumbscrews. We don’t waterboard anymore, (to Dick Cheney’s great disappointment) in the Age of Obama. And we don’t put them in stress positions for hours at a time (unless, of course, you count making women wear spike heels – wait, they do that to themselves).
No, I can think of at least four ways we can torture Anna Chapman the American way and teach the Russians a thing or two about the dangers of spying on America. Here they are:
The Lindsay Lohan Treatment: We can send her to Hollywood, make sure she falls in with the wrong crowd (which is pretty easy to do in Hollywood), have her star in a really dumb movie that gives her even more celebrity status, get her addicted to drugs (preferably cocaine, shouldn't be hard to do), and then have the media cover it all on every gossip magazine and cable show in the world. She will crack under pressure, just like Lindsay, and boy wouldn’t that teach the Russians a thing or two.
The Sarah Palin Treatment: We can put her on the next Republican ticket as a Vice Presidential candidate (she could look from Alaska into Russia with greater authority than Palin, after all), have the media dig into every crevice of her life, have Democrats float all kinds of rumors about her offspring (real and imagined), have conservatives automatically assume that she is fit to run the country (got to be better than Obama, right?), and when she loses, she can get her own television show on Fox (probably would be coup for Roger Ailes), and then have the media raise all kinds of questions about her possible breast enhancements. That is real torture.
The Kate Gosselin Treatment: She can get her own reality show on an obscure cable television channel, have cameras follow her everywhere, have her relationship fall apart in full view of the American family, ruin her family, and then make her dance on Dancing With the Stars, where she reveals her true nature as an evil bitch.
The American Idol Treatment: We can make her sing in front of Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres and Randy Jackson. Ellen will make her sing “Baby, I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney as she makes googly eyes at her, Randy would say, “Baby, You’re the bomb,” but the real torture would come from Cowell, who would tear her voice to shreds, bringing her to tears, and striking a blow for the Transatlantic special relationship between the British and the Americans. Cowell could be an unlikely James Bond, saving Western civilization from the evils of the Russian seductress.
It is a real disappointment that the United States is giving Anna Chapman back to the Russians, where she will probably retire in disgrace in some dacha in Siberia. We don’t often get a chance to really show the Russians how tough we can be. We shouldn’t pass up this chance to use Anna Chapman to the Maxim, I mean maximum, extent possible.