By John Feehery
“Shocking,” the woman’s sexy voice purrs over the radio dial.
She is on XM/Sirius radio and she is selling a common household product. Well, not really. She is talking about the results from a pill that will automatically make a man’s penis grow larger. And she wants you to buy this product immediately.
“Amazing.” That’s another woman, selling another product meant to be helpful in the sex department. She says quite clearly that women don’t like waiting 30 minutes for the “little blue pill” to kick in when they are ready “to go.” You buy her product, you will get it going lickety-split.
The next commercial: “Ashley Madison Man, that’s who I am. Workin’ hard for my famileeeee, Ashley Madison Man, does what he can. Ashley Madison, helps me stay at home. Now I can mix business with pleasure.” For those who don’t know, Ashley Madison helps married people hook up with people who they are not currently married to.
“I am calling about your smoothies,” another woman’s voice. “You mean my right-sized smoothies. As you know, I have a money-back guarantee if you are not satisfied,” a man says. “Oh no. I love the smoothies, I am just worried that I will lose too much weight, if I keep drinking them,” the woman responds. The man reassures, “Oh, that is no problem. You can just have one at lunch and that will slow down your weight loss.”
These are the commercials I hear almost every day as I tune into XM/Sirius radio. And to be clear, I am usually listening to Fox, MSNBC, CNN or POTUS radio, not the Playboy Channel or Howard Stern.
If somebody had just arrived in America and listened to these commercials, these are the conclusions that they would reach about the state of our country:
Most men are incredibly concerned about the size of their penises. Most women want to have sex immediately, and not wait for 30 minutes. Most hard-working men who want to stay married get involved in discreet relationships with people who are not their wives primarily because they want to make everybody to be happy. And, of course, that the biggest worry people should have about drinking a “Right-Sized Smoothie” is losing too many pounds.
I assume that people who end up drinking “Right-Sized Smoothies ” lose the right amount of weight so that they can have the perfect sex in the perfect amount of time with someone who is not their spouse so that they can continue to have a perfect life with the perfect wife.
I know, shocking, isn’t it?